


space would never be big enough

by Requestedgems



Series: do you think the universe fights for souls to be together? [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben is so sweet, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, and rey is sweet, ben and kylo are not the same people, different but worth a shot, force bond communication, im a sucker for bens internal thoughts and rambalings, its from kylo/bens perspective so..., its okay, kylo is well special, little bits of angst, mostly just bens internal thoughts, playing around with force bond details
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-03-01 01:04:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13283658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Requestedgems/pseuds/Requestedgems
Summary: Ben was alone and there was only one person in the world that could fix the gaping hole in his chest, only one that he would share the inner workings of his mind with, only one that he could get in contact with no matter where he was.





	space would never be big enough

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [my wildest wind (come blow into my room)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13235982) by [meritmut](https://archiveofourown.org/users/meritmut/pseuds/meritmut). 



> thanks for your wonderfully linguistic brain and beautiful words
> 
> "I'll be home, I'll be home  
> If only in my dreams"  
> -rascal flatts, I'll be home for christmas
> 
> it's not christmas anymore but it clicked

This ship was far too spacious and suffocating. Ben only found solace in the dark, somewhat delicate clothing he wore, holding on to the only thing that could block out the vacuum of the hallways, the mindless shuffling of feet, and his total isolation.

Space was no where near big enough for him to not feel the absence of the warmth he was so accustomed to. The stars passed by in flashes, each bringing whispers of forgotten places and the longing for the slightest brush of a familiar presence on his skin. He’d been stuck riding the never ending train across the galaxy, only stopping to conquer another unsuspecting city, town, or village to pick up more cargo, replacing the quickly depleting supply.

He saw the villagers weak, crowding next to each other as if each were Hoth and the person next to them was the sun. Without his helmet, he was helpless to the waves of emotion that washed from deep inside the vaults and catacombs of his beating heart to his exposed face. Pale and sun forgotten, Kylo displayed only what he rehearsed to himself every chance he got, but for fleeting moments, bits of his immediate responses broke through the hardened obsidian and shown for all the world to explore and stare in awe of how a monster like him could dare be human.

He never wanted it to be this way.

Kylo was his perfect disguise, the new mask he would cower behind and pretend his life was a perfect place of ultimate power rising from the ashes of a previously weakened state. But he knew himself all too well. The supreme leader could and would do anything for the survival of this destructive cult that they called an order, the thing breaking systems and families apart and tearing the fabric of hope to pieces.

Ben, however, could not.

Those catacombs were bursting with every emotion Kylo would never allow to surface, every feeling desperate for air but was forced to drown into the tears it had cried, sinking further into the pit of regret and past mistakes. A place where Ben constantly dwelled. When Ben felt his grasp on his role of Kylo slipping, he would retreat into the empty hallways of the newest ship the First Order could scrape together, trying not to let the coolness of its grand walkways seep too far into his body. The Vanguard was the next best star sailer after The Supremacy had been torn through by a last ditch effort from a dead hero with hope swirling through their veins.

Hope. The force danced around him, buzzing with warmth and familiarity, pushing those emotions further to the surface and pushing Kylo further into the recesses of his conscious. He wanted to reach out and trap this, the way the light beckons to him, warming his stiffed, chilled bones, cloaking him in fulfilled promises and positive praise spilled from delicate lips. The sight of his mother e,braces him, the way the force connected them together, internal thoughts and feelings jumping through the walls he built and planting themselves in his brain.

He felt her now as he walked to the bridge. Space truly wasn’t deep enough to escape the way she called out to him through stars, time, and this unseen veil that cast its tendrils into every being and tied each soul and living thing together with the steady intake of its breath. His mother’s pulse was a light tap on the edge of his mind somewhere he thought had died long ago, but it sparked to life whenever she pushed through the bond and gave a wordless touch.

Her warmth pulsated through his bones, lighting the dead street lamps and waking his childhood from its peaceful slumber. In these moments, he felt the hole more distinctly, a chasm where the bridge between his mind and heart should be. Ben felt his past self reaching out for her, responding to the gentle touch of his mother’s mind and the current Ben wanted to do the same; to bask in her understanding and throw away this relentless nightmare.

But Kylo shut him out every time he was close to running to his unavoidable past.

 _Let the past die,_ Kylo would scream. _Let it die and never turn back._

The simple truth was, Ben wasn’t ready to let it die. He was lingering in the library of his past decisions, flipping through the books, some dusty, some fresh with crisp pages, absorbing and memorizing every last detail, refusing to let the past fade away into another ghost to haunt his dreams.

Not that the ones that already did weren’t taking these memorized words and sentences and twisting them into something that disturbed the deepest corners of his mind. He was sure both parties that were mentally connected to him felt the tremors in his dark state after waking, hair drenched, trying to grasp onto something, anything, that reminded him that the shroud of darkness wasn’t permanent. His fitful outbursts breaking through with a sudden flare, sending his distressed ripples surging away from him to the places where his footprints would never leave.

General Organa would try to push through the void and give that reassuring tap that made him want to board the nearest star fighter and watch the bright blue glow of space hurtle through his vision as he made his way to her beacon. But there was one who hadn’t responded.

One whose hue was nearly too much for Kylo and the one who broke through the foggy haze of the secluded forest and into the hands of Ben, the truest side of himself no matter how much Kylo rebelled. Her response was much more startling, instead of a soft pulse, it was a wall of gentle heat, nearly knocking the cold oozing from his surroundings into the crevices of whatever room he was currently in, where he could no longer locate it.

Her aura was comforting to say the least and he gravely missed the way it would wrap itself around him, warming every inch of his skin and part of the air around him. It moved and danced, playing with his hair and guiding him to a place where his memory would be whisked off to a dream destination. A place where he was truly happy and free.

That sensation had been gone for some time, leaving him fighting the infinite cold with no avail. As if he was trying to bend the elements so that he could trick winter into becoming spring, and if he was lucky enough, a very young summer. But he lost to the deep snowbanks, its bitter, unforgiving wind sucking the only natural heat he could generate away further into the howling gale and away from his fingertips.

He didn’t know if she had barricaded that part of herself inside her, just as he did, or if he had become so distant, he simply could feel her no longer. No matter which, it took him every ounce of strength he could muster to not reach across this force that held them together and call for her, to try to reach her through the same stars that spanned thousands of countless miles to reach him.

Constantly, Ben pushed these thoughts away on his own accord, without the threats, without the warnings of his alter ego, his false front, without the the greatest challenge standing before him, Kylo Ren. Ben knew that if she were ready, there would be no hesitation from her as whether to extend her feelings to him, but as the bond had been cold for sometime now, he doubted that would be anytime soon.

Kylo had finished his meeting on the bridge, a stoic face of composure and intimidation covering the tradierous thoughts ebbing their way into the tainted fog, slightly swaying the way he dealt with destroying another base. He was no longer full of hatred and destain, rather, of remorse disguised as a sudden show of mercy.

Ben needed to get off the bridge and away from command. Kylo was slipping as sudden images of his hesitation to blow the bridge he felt his mother waiting on with expectancy of her death, a death she knew would be by his hand, flew through his mind. A pang of realization shot through his veins as he recognized the fact that she was willing to die. She was willing to die for him. Another, of him and Rey, Rey, touching hands in the small huddle of her shelter on Ahch-To, the warmth he felt seeping from her skin into his, willingly. The feeling of Luke fading away from the living sphere of this life and into the beyond, the unknown, the last bit of his light could be felt in even the most remote parts of the universe.

These flashes were much too painful and he felt the shadows twist and turn, flashing their devilish smiles to him, trying to push against the tenderness forming within the hollows of his heart. It tore him apart and he knew Rey was right, though Kylo refused to fully accept her words.

 _I can feel the conflict in you,_ her bright eyes held him captive and her close proximity made speaking become somewhat of a hardship. Coherent words escaped him for a few seconds as Ben absorbed the phrase he heard and felt it resonate with each individual fiber of his being; Kylo was quick to take his place.

A frustrated cry escaped his throat as made it to his quarters. His fingers tangled themselves in the thick, disheveled mess considered hair and pulled - that was enough to get both voices to cut their dialouge short.

No matter how much he denied it, no matter how much he wanted to crawl away from this thought that constantly hovered in his mind and hide it somewhere neither Ben nor Kylo could find it, both voices knew. Both voices could agree over one thing.

He needed Rey.

He needed to see her, to feel the tender warmth that she brought with her, the way she was able to comfort him in the simplest ways, to be enveloped in a caring embrace, even if it wasn’t physically her but her manipulation of the force around him.

He sat and closed his eyes, shuffling though the first things that pushed against his mind when he connected with the force. None of them mattered right now, he had a mission that nothing in the world could take him away from.

She wasn’t easy to locate, in fact the only thing that made her susceptible to him was his familiarity with the energy she carried, otherwise he would have been lost in world filled with many feelings and moods that he couldn’t identify all at once. Her light was covered, dim, and as he stretched out to her further, she was almost completely disguised. She was closed off, her heat not overwhelming, rather, not present. The force around her was clouded - cold.

But as he pushed a little further, the facade fell away and he found that warmth that he had craved so much. It wavered and lessened for a minute, the cold starting to crawl along his skin, then expanded. It pulled him into its comforting arms and surrounded him, the bond growing and shutting out the distinct beeps and assorted noises he was accustomed to.

He didn’t have to open his eyes to know she was in front of him, bright skin, warm eyes, concern lacing her thoughts. He felt it all and with it, he knew without a doubt the relief that flooded his thoughts, she was aware of.

 _Rey,_ he hummed through their mental tie, not caring if she knew how at ease he was. How the cold, dark, frightening parts of himself were filled with the warmth and light, temporarily healed by just her.

He opened his eyes and found her staring intently at him, eyebrows furrowed and eyes brooding, swimming with all the words she wouldn’t say.

 _What happened?_ The force bond that linked their minds together hadn’t opened a connection in quite some time, and as Ben started to forget the slight freckles on her cheeks, or the combination of green and brown in her eyes, here she was, standing here, like something out of a dream.

He must have looked worse then his mind recalled. He remembered the dark pools underneath his eyes, the way his skin would take on a dull tone, the way his walk would be sluggish and disconnected, but if she was concerned, he probably should have paid more attention.

 _You felt it._ He looked her dead in the eye and could feel her searching, looking for something, anything meaningful to say to fill the silence. She didn’t need to. Nothing she could say would fix his condition, all he needed was a comforting touch, a sense of companionship on this hulk of a ship and he knew that off all people, Rey would understand.

She sighed with a small smile and took a seat next to him, already knowing what crossed his mind. This wasn’t the first time he pushed on her mind to get her attention.

Looking at him, he saw her tentatively place a hand on his arm slightly hanging off his dark mattress. Her warmth spread through him with a fierce speed, the cold shooting from him as if it was the plague. She took in a sharp breath as the pressure of her fingertips lightened momentarily. “You’re freezing.”

Ben knew that this cold was not as a result of wearing inadequate clothing. It was from the darkness that would not leave him, from the shadows that constantly haunted his waking moves, and the parts of himself that were frozen over after being hidden too long. He was the coldest planet in the solar system and as he sat near her, he understood why people would do anything to keep their brightest star in reach - her warmth was like a drug.

He closed his eyes once more and leaned into her touch slightly, trying to imprint the sensation into his mind forever, to tattoo the feeling of the very place she placed her hand on his forearm. He noticed the way her energy grew as he felt himself growing tired, giving way to his constant exhaustion and letting her strength fuel the weakest pieces of his conscious, to build the bridge between his mind and his heart. Kylo and Ben were now starting to mold into one person, one body made of two halves of the same whole.

All he got out was a contented hum and he could feel her smile, a real smile, not contested by concern or conflict. He peeled his eyelids open and moved away from her touch, removing his glove to take her hand in his.

This is how it should have been.

They should be together right now, in the same place, thinking of ways to make the world better. Their minds were already connected, emotions flowing through the bond, exchanging perspectives and whispers of thoughts pushing from the cage of their subconscious.

 _I’m sorry,_ he whispered through the bond and he knew it wasn’t about how he was cold to the touch. He felt guilty and responsible.

If only they had been on the same page. If only he wasn’t so angry and determined to keep the power in his own two hands and if only she wasn’t so set on staying where she was, then maybe, just maybe, they could have been side by side, leaving their problems in their past.

But she was here and they were touching and the force circulated between them, spreading the warmth she provided and the tranquility he was experiencing between them. He sat, entranced by this pull he felt between him and her and how the force seemed to move for the two that had been connected by chance and circumstance. Never in his life did he think that the stars would align for this to happen.

 _Me too,_ she traced the scars she marked on his face, leaving a pleasant lingering heat over where the pad of her thumb had just left.

He tugged his other glove off and placed both hands near the back of her head, pulling her closer to him, pressing their foreheads together. They were close enough to breathe the same air and yet he knew mentally, they were much closer then that.

She gave a slight push to their mind link, warming the air around them. When they were like this, she made sure to keep him in the now, to keep him from returning to the library, from digging too far back in the shelves and getting lost within the ancient history stored in them. He took a deep breath and pushed back. Her hand returned to his arm and she readjusted her head, shifting it higher.

They stayed like that as time froze for them, two statues frozen in place, until Rey broke the wordless silence.

 _You should sleep._ He knew she had sensed his restless nights full of hidden fears and terrors he wasn’t aware his mind was able to create. But this wasn’t out of the usual for her to say something like this.

When they touch, he could see inside her mind and memories, but he had resisted against them, leaving them undiscovered as he enjoyed her and the light she brought along with her. Apparently, as some of his nightmares triggered serious responses, they slipped through and worked themselves into her brain.

He didn’t want to move, and as she tried to pull her forehead back, he gently applied more pressure to keep her where she was, soaking up these final moments. Her breaths slowed and matched the pace of his, another link they shared. His hands slid away from the back of her head as he moved away.

 _Your light, it was clouded when I tried to find you._ Ben opened his eyes to find her glassy spheres looking right back at him, a slight disturbance passed between them, her heat wavering and his cold widening. She broke the stare between them, severing the energy flowing in their gaze, expelling it elsewhere.

He tried to restrain the waves of anxiety that were spreading underneath the gates of his emotional wall. Ben could feel the way her mood decreased and wanted to stop any negative energy from crossing the threshold of the bond, to prevent her from withdrawing further into herself and to avert the possibility of her suddenly flying across the stars and out of his reach.

He wanted to question her further, to get some sort of answer to her current hesitation. Her eyes still failed to meet his and he let his expanding concern leak through and nudge against her thoughts, enveloping her in his worry.

Rey’s eyes shut and her radiance moved, weaving its way to him and showing him what was on her mind. In every moment, she was busy. Sometimes he would see her practicing combat sequences with her staff, scouting up a hill, or even getting the water and food she needed, but one thing remained constant.

She was alone and nothing she did could fill the vacancy she felt.

Suddenly, the scent of damp grass and an uncomfortable heat crossed his senses, a small cave coming into his sights. His confusion must have been apparent as she guided him in closer, her blaster on the floor, her staff on the wall, and a dying fire lighting the glistening rocks.

 _I’m on a scouting mission, I’ve just been trying to hide my signature,_ Rey’s voice whispered, so fragile, he was afraid to respond. He was aware how her time in the hot, unforgiving, and dangerous atmosphere of Jakku had tried her. It tested her of how well she could fend for herself and be in near isolation, and isolation was not a stroll through the streets of Naboo, it was tough and reminded him of the stories of Mustafar, an incinerating, volcanic planet, full of oozing lava and an unstable core. It was a mystery as to how anyone managed to live, let alone survive in those conditions.

He was aware of how her response and visions showed how little she was thriving.

His longing to drag her here with him surfaced with little remorse and he felt the last of his pride, the thing that constantly hovered, unwavering from Kylo’s introspective front, slipping through his fingers as sand does through an hour glass. Her luminosity fading with each passing second as the weight of her feelings saturated the air around them.

Ben, Kylo, whoever claimed residence, pushed against her somber images and dismal circumstances, replacing her into the dark, familiar feeling of his cool room. He felt her light strengthen, feeling a glow coat her in a soft shimmer, dressing her in the most beautiful presence he ever recalled.

His cold was nothing but a mouse against the mountain lion of her warmth and light and he was grateful, feeling the weight of her problems fall far, far away into the depths of the forgotten tunnels and graves words no longer remembered the names of.

_Stay, _his request was given without the slightest bit of hesitation, with a firm force and unmovable diction. Then, following with a hint of vulnerability.__

____

____

_Please._

He knew he unlocked something inside her, from the way her eyes grew, the way the rosy color of embarrassment crossed her cheeks, and the way her hands became the most intriguing thing in this expanse of a room.

But he wasn’t lying when he wanted her to stay. His reasoning did not rely on his own wants and desires, but rather a reflection of his general concern and worry for her emotional state. He knew how much his influence had over her and how much power she held over his conflicted mind and troubled heart.

The very fact that he asked her to remain by him was like trying to explore every fissure and untouched part of this endless galaxy. No matter how much time he had and how much he fought, the force waited for no one, just as the galaxy would not yield at the expense of a desperate explorer. He knew very well that the probably of her being gone in the morning was imperceptibly high and he would feel her absence in every place.

But it was worth it.

Every time, it had been worth it. So he scooted back against the wall his bed was connected to and waited for her to join him. She cautiously made her way next to him, trying to disguise how much she was truly affected, her hands shaking, becoming over aware of her movements, and how slow she began to make them. But he noticed it all and felt his heart swell with a feeling he hadn’t yet identified but felt when she was near.

This rift that they had created broke just as easily as it was built and their weary minds could only register the pressure of their heads upon the other, much too drowsy to attempt to actively know anything else.

Sleep was peaceful and his past mistakes were no where to be found, just a blissful paradise where he could start over, where he could manipulate his destiny for good, for peace and order, and to be able to create a perfect future where he fit, where he could succeed. She was there, she was always there. In order for his dream to have all the pieces of the puzzle it needed to be complete, he had to see her and know that no harm followed her or haunted her every move. None did and a euphoric utopia was within his grasp.

But he woke up.

And the space only she could fill was empty, lingering with stardust and a luminescent apology. One he could only ask the nearest moon and wait for the moonlight to navigate the planes of those brilliant beings made of volatile gases and hope her answer could travel faster than light itself.

The hole he harbored burned further into his chest, a scar created in frost and verglas.

This infinitely grand expanse of life, light, and latitude that connected people far and wide was, and still remained, insufficiently vast.


End file.
